The Sheriff's Week and a Day Off
by Pepper Gem
Summary: The Sheriff takes a vacation and learns about what it's really like to live in his own town.


Note: this is a complete crack fic, composed in half an hour after watching the first four episodes of Robin Hood.  
Any inconsistencies or out-of-character references are likely to be numerous, and I'll continue to edit this fic  
as I watch more Robin Hood and develop a more accurate taste for the Sheriff's personality. XD

Entries from the Sheriff's Week-and-a-Day Off

--Day 1  
I now reside in a sad little thatched-roof hut with none of my own possessions but my birds.  
I'm not much for writing silly little diary-related things like girls do, but not having a job really frees one's time. God forbidding that Gisborne should find this book, I decided to lock it up in a box, but...the way my luck goes, I couldn't find the key in my room back at the fort. Maybe my _birds_ know where it went. *grumble* They're _always_ in that room, and if any living thing knows where a shiny key went, it should be them! If I could get them to _shuttup, _I should be able to ask them peaceably...  
-later-  
"Ooo, pretty bird, can you tell me where..."  
*door opens*  
*servant begins to speak* How is your vacation going...sir...?  
*servant sees bird*  
*servant slowly leaves*  
-back to entry-  
'Tis quite possible that I should have focused on fastening the latch on the door before finding the key to the box. Dearest birdie, I now despise you.

--Day 2  
There isn't much that can be done about the rumors spreading that I have lost my mind. So I pace, back and forth, glaring at my _styupid_ birds, and when I do not feel like pacing, I stare at the wall. My lack of power is utterly boring - how do the peasants manage this?  
Oh, right. They have that thing called "work". Haha! I laugh. "Labor". Bahaha!! Even funnier!

--Day 3  
Two days of boredom later, I feel that I must get out of this cramped little hut (for vacationing from my title of "sheriff" unfortunately means vacationing from my own home). I thought I would try my hand with the bow, so I went out to a place with hay-bale targets and took my first shot. Deary me, I struck a cat, sixteen feet from the hay. More than likely, that cat will be my dinner. Just how does Robin manage his aim??

( .com/watch?v=IRHl7iPLSd0 )

--Day 4  
Seeing how there are enough peasants with the talent to shoot a bow and arrow, I must leave that to them and find another way to escape my less-than-habitable living quarters. I overheard one of my temporary neighbors speak of "sightseeing" - though I know this town like the back of my horse, I have not yet seen such beautiful ladies as he had told of. I set out to find them.  
When I had strolled through the streets, I had indeed found some ladies, but nothing like he described. I don't know what the man was thinking, nor what I was thinking for starting this search. One woman had a giant mole on the side of her face that wiggled when she spoke, and yet another had a forehead that was a big enough target for an arrow even for _me_. The search was fruitless, but one plain-looking lady with sauce on her apron complimented my hair and made me feel just _beautiful_. I can go home a new man, now!  
Ack.

--Day 5  
At the crack of dawn, when I was forced awake by straw digging into my back, I rammed the door open and shouted, "Good morning, world! Life is beautiful, so put on a smile! One-room huts are just my style! Cat is delicious! This _single tulip_ out front is delightful!" and I bent down to sniff the tulip. It smelled horrific, and I got pollen up my nose.  
Weeelll _la _di _da _di_ da_.  
I long for my position as sheriff so terribly! My bed must miss me...Ooooh, I miss it too! I can't live with this one. It allows me no sleep. So this is what I shall do: because my funds are inaccessible right now, I shall bribe and blackmail the public into giving me what I need to survive until I return to my job.  
-later-  
I wasn't able to improve my bed, but free rotten meat _abounds_...

--Day 6  
On my quest yesterday, a girl took a look at my sandal-clad feet and scrunched her nose up. I took personal offense to this, for there is nothing I prize more than my dainty feet. I haven't slept well in days, I feel insanity creeping up behind me, and the birds told me that I might need to take a little better care of myself. So I gave myself a spa day. What do you think of my feet _now_, little girl?

--Day 7  
My vacation is coming to a close, and with this realization, I planned to do some "good" in the village. Laughable, I know. It will bring me closer favor with the public so that I can resume my usual ways with greater ease. Best of all will be Guy's expression!  
I stumbled upon some younger peasants with their families, sitting around a man who was reading them a letter. One of the children complained, "Mother, why can't you read the letter?" and she replied, "Because no one will teach me."  
I stepped in, kicked the reader away, stole his desk and asked for the attention of the people. They were delirious to have a teacher, because it meant that they wouldn't have to pay to read or write letters. To me, it meant one less man to employ.  
I taught them to read and write the words "I", "job", "back", "my", "want", and "bloody boring". It was a very productive day.

--Day 8  
Everything about this morning was happier, because I knew that some time tomorrow I would be sheriff again. The thought, however, was tantalizing. I could not wait. My sheriff-sized bed was almost tangible. How could I amuse myself until the evening?  
I knew exactly what, and a smile came to my face. I would stalk "Sir" Guy, and see how he was faring without me. Surely, he couldn't have been faring well! It would be all I could do to keep from laughing.  
Disguising myself all too well as my own servant, I slipped into my fort without any trouble. (The first thing I would do when I became Sheriff again would be to discipline those stupid guards I shamefully call my own!) One of them informed me that I was needed in Sir Guy's room, because he was hungry. I did not enter, but peeked through the door.  
His feet were propped up on his desk, and he was reading a book. A normal scene, yes. My goal was to find something wrong with the picture, but I kept noticing things I didn't want to notice. His feet, they were prettier than mine - and I thought that I would at _least_ find him talking to himself!  
I heard someone walking up the hall, so I made it look as though I was only walking through. The person came around the corner into view, a beautiful woman, one finally worthy of praise. Did she actually live in this town? She carried a tray of artfully prepared food, and I stopped to watch where she was going. But of course - _Gisborne's_ room! _He_ gets a lovely maidservant, but I have a foolish young boy? When I become sheriff again, I'll be changing that!  
I took out my journal then in the hallway to begin writing these notes to myself.  
Guy's voice came from beside me, "Memory letting you down these days?"  
I slowly turned my head his way.  
"Hmhm, come, servant, you're mine today." That smirk of his was the most amused I'd ever seen it.  
_WELL BLAH DI BLAH DI BLAH.__  
_And so I was humiliated by standing at his side the rest of the day.

--Day 9

However, I woke up a happier man, in my very own room. I found my key, as well, but that was after Guy ordered me to cough up this book.  
*sigh*  
The sheriff has finally returned.


End file.
